Grow Up and Blow Away

With my student track rapidly running out, it seem I can't avoid that age old question: "what do you want to be when you grow up?" When I was little, my response was "a pay-lady"--what I called cashiers. Pushing all those buttons at the cash register! Getting to take people's money! Seeing what everyone bought and getting to talk to them! It seemed so thrilling.

As I got a bit older, and the novelty of pressing buttons gradually wore off, my goals shifted. I can't remember having any other well-defined profession in mind, though. I mostly just pursued whatever interested me. So here I am, after a long road in school and science, in grad school. It can be easy to look back on your life path and impose some grand plan. We like to see order, even when it isn't completely there. (I've done this plenty of times in application essays, explaining all of my research experiences and education as if they were clearly motivated from a desire to achieve my current goal.) I've had inklings of bigger plans and interim goals, sure. But if I'm honest, much of my education and extra-curricular pursuits have been more motivated by what I was interested in at the moment than by a bigger "dream".

I did enter grad school with the idea of staying in academia. Though it was definitely more of a general notion than a well thought-out plan. I think it may have also been because it was the obvious path. It's what grad students do, I thought. I was never really fully aware of other options for people interested in science/research. I also only had vague notions of what academic science was like. As much as people like to pretend undergrad research experiences prepare people for graduate school and beyond, it's just not true. It's not something you can really understand until you've steeped yourself in it.

I have steeped. And I'm not convinced I want to stay in the water. As I mentioned in my previous post, the past few months or so have left a slightly bitter taste in my mouth with regards to academia. (I think I'll save those rants for another day.) I'm not completely soured, yet. But I'm concerned enough to realize that I really need to stop and finally think about my career path. I finally need to answer that question I've been avoiding since the age of 5. Are my current reservations about academia just passing resentment about some negative situations? Or is there something better out there for me?

That thought is overwhelming. Feeling like I have potential and options is simultaneously exciting and stressful. Particularly since making life decisions is not my strongest suit. I've been trying to narrow down the field a bit to make things less daunting. But that seems to require answering an exploding list of even harder questions: What are my best skills, and what do I enjoy doing the most? Do I want to be the big-shot, workaholic; or do I want a job that let's me have a real life outside of work? Am I driven more by passion/interest, or do I need my work to have a broader impact on society? Do I want to live in a particular place/area? etc. etc. And what of these qualities are a priority?

Sheesh, who knew being an "adult" would be so hard?

I've been seeking out as many career seminars as I can over these last few months, trying to get a sense of what other jobs are out there and what they're like. Slowly attempting to collect data and fill in some of the many many blanks. Some of the most consistent advice I've heard is to use internship and fellowship programs to explore. That seems reasonable, and it's something I'm seriously considering. Try different things, gain new experiences, and hone in on the ideal career. Shuffling around for a while could also take advantage of my relative freedom now, before I go and become a real adult with a family.

But in the back of my mind, I worry I'll just use internships to further put off answering The Question. But maybe that's ok for a while? I can delay being a real grown-up for a bit, right?

I've come too far, and I don't want to fail

"Don't you hate that feeling like you suddenly have to pee when someone pokes in your belly button?"

Mostly likely you don't. Because almost everyone I've ever mentioned this to has stared at me like I'm a little bit bonkers. It took me a while catch on to the fact that not everyone experiences things the same way as me. That people are fundamentally different in everything from their basic physical perceptions to their motivations and goals. It took frequent iterations of "Isn't it funny/weird/great how ___?" statements yielding blank stares for it to start to sink in.

I still default to the assumption others feel/think similarly to me. It's the easiest option. But I seem to learn the most about myself and how I really feel when I discover that assumption is wrong. One of the best examples of this is my love of academic pursuits. I was an egg-head from the womb. As a kid, I think I never fully separated enjoying school from my abilities. I was good at it, and I liked that. It took seeing others who were also good at school, but would rather apply their talents in other ways, for me to realize that I didn't just like getting the gold star. I liked the whole process. My mind was blown when I heard people in college saying they couldn't wait to get out of school and move on to "the real world" and careers.

So naturally, I just kept going; High school to undergrad, to grad school. My parents call me the "professional student". And I've often operated under the idea that I could be that. Just keep going to school forever. If you've ever done an experiment-driven Ph.D., it feels like you will be there forever. Equipment constantly breaks, there are always better/more controls, there are always new ways to analyze the data, and even "finished" experiments usually generate more questions than they answer. It's a great way to get lost inside your own little Never-Ending Story.

Then suddenly* my advisor called me in to his office and started talking about me graduating and asking what I wanted to do next. What? There is an end to this thing? And it's soon? I always knew that my Ph.D. would end eventually. I had even tried thinking about the future and career options on occasion. But there is a big difference between "someday" and "in a year". I'm starting to run out of the clear-cut career-preparation (read: student) path, and heading straight for a point when I have to make some decisions.

I had always planned on a career in academia. If I had to be a real adult and have a real job, at least do something that's as close to being a professional student as possible. I could get paid to think. It seemed perfect. But as seems very common, some less than ideal experiences with the nitty-gritty details of doing research for a living have left me a bit disillusioned with the academic lifestyle. I've also developed new skills, and learned that my talents might actually have interesting applications outside of school--a somewhat crazy idea to me. I'm also having trouble telling what is just a bad aftertaste from my current research burn-out and what are genuine feelings and goals.

So I have come here. In the next few weeks, I hope to use this space to explore some of my thoughts on science, academia, and careers in general. It is probably going to be pretty self-indulgent. (But, then again, that's part of what blogs are for, right?) But it seems crucial for me to try to get input from others. Maybe I need outside thoughts in the mix to figure this out; to burst my self-generated bubble and get a sense of what I really want via comparison. I need perspective on other people's career paths, and what it might mean to not be a student anymore. Basically, I need to be reminded yet again that not everyone feels like they have to pee when you poke their belly button.

*well, not so suddenly. I have been working on my Ph.D. for four years, after all. But as many Ph.D.s and grad students know, finishing a graduate degree is typically not a clear-cut "you filled requirements X, Y, Z so you can graduate." It is a discussion you have with your advisor, motivated by career goals, current projects in the lab, etc. So it can sneak up on you sometimes.

My Mind is Rambling

As part of my Ph.D. program, first year students perform laboratory rotations. A mixture of an awkward academic research courtship and broad research training, rotations let students sample different labs and areas of research before settling on a thesis lab.

The opportunity for rotations was a significant part of why I picked this program. Most other schools seemed so focused on getting you in and out of the program quickly -- basically, becoming Ph.D. mills -- rather than letting you 1) explore different approaches to similar questions or topics, and 2) actually make an informed decision about where to complete your thesis. I'd rather take a year or so to pick a lab than dive into a project and research group right away, only to realize a few years later that I'm not so happy. Or worse, that I'm not being academically challenged or motivated anymore.

Rotations also appeal to my general indecisiveness and preference for putting off big choices. But having entered my third -- and presumably final -- rotation this semester, I'm quickly approaching Decision Time. I am, of course, still debating.

I had hoped that some obvious choice would pop out. A logical fit both personally and intellectually. But which lab I see as the better option right now depends on the day (or even time of day) you ask.

The reason my choice has become so difficult is that it represents more than just which lab I want to work in--it's a fundamental choice about what direction I want my research to take, it's a debate of applied research vs. more fundamental science. And this question is where I get confused.

I am, without a doubt, fascinated by systems neuroscience and motor control. There is no issue of what I want to study. The debate is in how I want to approach the problem. My three rotation labs all take very different approaches to motor control. One is focused on brain-machine interfaces. Asking 1) how the brain controls our movements and 2) how can we use the brain to control external devices (e.g. a prosthetic). The other two use very different techniques (one focusing on imaging, the other on modeling of neural computation and psychophysics research), but they ultimately ask very basic questions about motor control and the role of the senses in said movements. The work might eventually have applications towards rehabilitation, or even brain-machine interfaces. But, as with most fundamental research, the applications are vague ideas or afterthoughts. They aren't a driving force behind the work.

My interest in motor control was prompted, almost entirely, via its applications. I have a lot of personal motivations for wanting to improve the lives people with movement disorders. Rehabilitation is also an area of medicine that often gets overlooked. It's not as "sexy" and trendy as, say, gene therapy or cancer research. But it is undoubtedly just as important. Until we magically eliminate the occurrence of stroke or Parkinson's etc., we need to focus on improving the lives of patients with these chronic--and debilitating--disorders.

But, I seem to be suffering from A Conflict of Head and Heart. I have all of these great intentions in mind. But faced with very applied projects, I get almost bored. The brain-machine interfaces work is intellectually exciting in theory, but in practice, the work gets bogged down in details and limitations. The requirement of real-world applicability ultimately reigns in your ideas and reduces the experimenter's creative range. All research faces limitations, I suppose. Your ideas and theories always outnumber the things you can actually implement. But this problem seems to be even more prominent for application-oriented projects.

I've come to accept the fact that I'll never be an Engineer in the traditional sense of the word. I'd rather ask big questions than make a specific product. But can the underlying goals of brain-machine interfaces work ultimately outweigh my ADD intellectual side? Do I pick a project that's personally motivating and maybe less intellectually exciting, risking getting bored and frustrated? Or do I instead select a project that appeals to my inquisitive nature but lacks in passion?

Of course, things aren't quite as cut-and-dry as I've portrayed them. There are basic science questions mixed in with the brain-machine interfaces work. And some applications and ideas may indeed come out of the more basic work in either of the other two labs. But it's a question of weighting. Which is more important to me, I'm still not sure. It's also a question of my ultimate career path and goals.

There's also the unique appeal of the high-impact, cutting edge aspect of brain-machine interfaces. Almost anything you do in this field will be new. You'll be the first. You'll get papers in Nature or Science. It's a very enticing idea for a fresh-faced scientist, indeed. It'd also be an amazing way to launch a career.

There are other, more personal, issues at play to complicate matters too. There's a debate of Berkeley vs. San Francisco -- my preference probably being for the latter. Whether or not I want to do animal research. The personal atmospheres of the different labs. So on and so forth.

Options are always great. I should be happy to have so many great projects to chose from. But right now, the task of closing off some of these options and making a choice is, well, daunting.

Straight Down to the Bitter End

Last week, I sat outside in the California sunshine and temperate December weather, enjoying my favorite sandwich from my current favorite lunch-spot in Berkeley. The sandwich was delicious, as per-usual. Until the last bite. Maybe the combination of ingredients was off, or something. But it was less than perfect compared to the rest.

This is one of the worst things ever.

I'm starting to get the same feeling about academic semesters. I'm excited and interested at the beginning. Anxious, even, about the possibilities of the upcoming classes and research. Then by the time final exams and projects roll around, I have a bitter taste in my mouth about the whole thing. I want the semester to be over, so that I can start the new one that I still have an optimistic outlook on.

I'm not sure if this is just typical burnout, a dislike of finals and the stress that goes along with them, or a sign that I'm not in the right line of work. I'm guessing it's some combination of the first two. Hopefully.

But for now, I'm just telling myself that next semester will be better.